"There is a really old jar of peanut butter in my
fridge. I think it moved with me from my last
apartment. Its just peanuts, and you don’t
refrigerate nuts, so it should still be good, right?" -
Anonymous, California
As a penny-pinching
peanut aficionado, I’m sure glad I’m not in your
shoes. Tough call. If the jar passed the smell test,
then there’s a good chance it’s is sandwich-safe.
Peanut butter doesn’t really spoil for a couple years
at room temperature and yours was refrigerated. Even if
it has gone 'bad', the only noticeable change would be
a slight stale taste and a chemical reaction that
converts the peanut oil into a highly poisonous
Aphlotoxin. There’s a descent chance that it
wouldn’t even kill you, at least not right away. I
say go for it. It’s probably worth the risk when you
consider that a fresh jar could cost upwards of four
dollars.
On the other hand, if you’re too
big of a wuss to play Russian Ratatouille with your
condiments, ... Read More
"I just feel ugly lately. I know it's superficial,
but it sucks when guys just don't bother asking you
out. I just want to give up and go hide." - Karen, New
York
I'm sorry you feel ugly. Feeling ugly is
worse than feeling stupid and hungry combined. But let
me first ask you an important question. Are you?
Really. Are you? Are you actually ugly, or are you one
of those pretty girls who goes around whining about
your two pimples and asking if your size 1 ass looks
fat in jeans three sizes too small? Shit, even Gandhi
would have muffin-top in jeans like that. I have
nothing but contempt for hot girls who go around
grunting about how ugly they are just to get people to
tell them they’re pretty. Ugliness is a serious
problem, and what you’re doing is disgusting.
You’re like someone with a twisted ankle calling
herself a ‘cripple’ for sympathy points. Basically,
if you’re more Madonna than Medusa, you can just shut
your full, perky lips. You sicken me.
"It seems like my dog really loves me. He cuddles in
my bed and gets excited when I get home. My girlfriend
says he's just sucking up to me for food. What do you
think?" - Ronnie, Los Angeles
Don’t
worry Ronnie. Your dog truly loves you. He also loves
the smell and taste of his own ass. He loves chewing up
your new phone, knocking over the trash and peeing on
the couch during your dinner party. I’d say the real
question is: Do you love him? Or is he just a
substitute for that baby you never had? Come to think
of it, do your parents really love you or is their
affection just a vestigial biological, evolutionary
chemical reaction in your brain to help the species
survive. Kind of like the evolutionary reaction that
makes you piss your pants when you’re
scared.
Humans fall in love for all the wrong
reasons. Why deny your dog that same right? If you can
love a man for his Porsche, his rock-hard abs or
because he’s friends with a member of Pearl Jam, let
you... Read More
"I've decided to get a tattoo, but I'm not sure what
I should get? Any ideas?" - Morgan, San
Diego
Well, Morgan. So you’re
getting a tattoo. Good for you! Tattoos are just the
thing to make men to seem more virile and dangerous,
and to make women to seem more exotic and whorish –
in a good way. I can’t tell you what to get.
You’ll need to figure that out for yourself. But I
can tell you what you should definitely not get, so
you’ll wind up a badass, and not an
embarrassment.
First of all, unless it’s a
simple, classic design, never pick a tattoo off the
wall of the tattoo shop. Hundreds of other people have
that same flaming tiger and if you pick it, you’re a
stupid boner. Never design your own tattoo. If you’re
not an artist, you’ll draw something bad that other
people will know is ugly even if you don’t. Or if you
are an artist, you’ll be constantly staring at and
critiquing your own work, thinking, “Dude, I could
totally draw a ... Read More
Remember the good old days? You know, the days when you
had the power to get back at the businesses and
craftsmen who fucked you over. If your plow broke on
the first use, you could just drag it back to the lazy,
incompetent blacksmith and bust his teeth on it. If the
milkman left you curdled milk, you could murder his
family in their sleep - leaving him alive to suffer
with emotional anguish (and possibly a mouthful of
busted teeth).
Now that we live in the age of
the 30 day money-back-guarantee, there's less teeth
bashing and family killing. But what happens when
things aren't broken - just fucking stupid? I've got a
Motorolla RAZR, a phone that used to be a coveted
status symbol but was pretty much reduced to the free
phone you get when you start a new plan by the time I
got it. I don't need a phone to "do stuff". I just
want it slim enough to fit in my pocket without looking
like I'm sporting wood.
But what do I really
look for in a phone? I want one that doesn'... Read More
You know the scene. Someone has just given a
controversial performance or speech in front of a
crowd. It's been shocking, ballsy and probably from the
heart. There is silence in the crowd until one man
stands up. He starts clapping slow and hard. CLAP!
CLAP! CLAP! The rest of the crowd is awakened from
their stunned silence and gives a massive standing
ovation with whistling, cheering and hats in the air.
Freeze frame. Fade out.
Who does that
solo-clapping man think he his? We almost had a nice
juicy riot on our hands and he has to take charge and
turn it into a wank-fest. Why does the crowd think they
have to agree? His judgment could be wrong. Maybe he
just wants to get the whole thing to move along because
he's got to go take a wicked leak.
This hokey,
hack plot device actually has a lot of truth in it.
People are such sheep. Most of us are more afraid of
going against the flock than just about anything else!
even hairy spiders. Here's a riddle to help illustrate
... Read More